Wednesday
Aug062008
Happily Ever After - Twenty Years
Wednesday, August 6, 2008 at 11:05AM
Today marks TWENTY YEARS as an old married couple, for me and hubby. Yes, we started off very, very young: I was just 20 and he was 22. It doesn't even seem like that could be possible, then or now -- we're still way too young to be married that long, unruly silver hair (mine) and the accumulation of love and good food (about 20lbs for both of us) notwithstanding.
I have been married now for as long as I was not.
In the beginning, I was the Other Woman (at 20, remember) and he was the Wrong Man -- according to my mother, anyway. I liked the motorcycle and his 'bohemian' lifestyle (living on ramen and mac & cheese in his buddies' laundry porch -- one guy lived on the pool table). We quickly disentangled ourselves from other relationships in the face of Destiny and enjoyed our very own Summer of Love after my high school graduation in 1985. I was very young, at 17, and it took me a year to settle down and commit to monogamy long-term, with enough first-year-college experience and variety to know he was The One. I never expected it so early, but I just knew.
We met in 1981, the first day in my first class of high school: Horticulture. He was a sophomore. We were friends from the start, but never dated -- fortunately, we avoided the cliche of high school sweethearts (not that there is anything wrong with that, of course).
We married on August 6, 1988, in a garden courtyard on a threatening-to-be-rainy day at our beloved Manor Farm Inn in Poulsbo, Washington, and the Adventure(s) began...
Twenty years later, it still seems so new, to my constant amazement. We still love each other, more every day, and we still like each other, too. I keep thinking, twenty years into this, I should have some wisdom, the benefit of happily-ever-after experience, advice to share; besides, you know, marry young and basically Imprint on each other. People ask us the secret to a long and happy relationship?
For one thing, we have a strong role model of a successful, happy, passionate marriage in his parents, the 'evil in-laws,' (they call themselves that -- yes, it's a joke) who are still happy in love, sailing (I should say RV'ing) towards 50 years, and they seem so young. We have the counter-balance, anti-model in my parents, who divorced after a tempestuous few years together when I was just four years old. Raised by my hard-working, single mother, I never knew what to expect in a marriage, so it has been a continuing pleasant surprise all these years later, after I finally figured out he really wasn't going to leave -- that took six years, before we had our first child in 1995.
Of course, it's not all roses and candle-light. We have our bad moments/days and stupid mistakes. There are times, especially after three kids, when it seems as if we are just living, making a living, getting by day-to-day, and it's sometimes not very exciting; occasional bad days when the best you can do is get to bed early and start over the next day, a new day, fresh. It has only been recently that we learned to appreciate NOW, the present moment, instead of living constantly in the future. If it's a not-so-great Now, we believe in the grand scheme of things, the fairy tale and This Too Shall Pass. There are many, many more good days than bad, especially when you are playing as a team.
I guess I do have a couple of practical tips to offer, after twenty years of happily-ever-after:
Looking through it all, twenty years of our life together, the theme of our marriage became very obvious. As hubby said, in his book: "Willing to set out on adventure at the drop of a hat is one of your best qualities." I'm only that way because he is, too. As we look back over twenty years, we can identify, and re-live, no less than 20 Great Adventures, some just a week long (trips to Europe, the Caribbean, and cruises), some adventures extend many years (having children, moving across country, starting new companies and business ventures, launching The Rebel Housewife).
For us, it's all about Adventures and the appreciation of Magical Moments; to create a life where there are many of each. It keeps us together, always wondering (in a good way): What's next?
I have been married now for as long as I was not.
In the beginning, I was the Other Woman (at 20, remember) and he was the Wrong Man -- according to my mother, anyway. I liked the motorcycle and his 'bohemian' lifestyle (living on ramen and mac & cheese in his buddies' laundry porch -- one guy lived on the pool table). We quickly disentangled ourselves from other relationships in the face of Destiny and enjoyed our very own Summer of Love after my high school graduation in 1985. I was very young, at 17, and it took me a year to settle down and commit to monogamy long-term, with enough first-year-college experience and variety to know he was The One. I never expected it so early, but I just knew.
We met in 1981, the first day in my first class of high school: Horticulture. He was a sophomore. We were friends from the start, but never dated -- fortunately, we avoided the cliche of high school sweethearts (not that there is anything wrong with that, of course).
We married on August 6, 1988, in a garden courtyard on a threatening-to-be-rainy day at our beloved Manor Farm Inn in Poulsbo, Washington, and the Adventure(s) began...
Twenty years later, it still seems so new, to my constant amazement. We still love each other, more every day, and we still like each other, too. I keep thinking, twenty years into this, I should have some wisdom, the benefit of happily-ever-after experience, advice to share; besides, you know, marry young and basically Imprint on each other. People ask us the secret to a long and happy relationship?
For one thing, we have a strong role model of a successful, happy, passionate marriage in his parents, the 'evil in-laws,' (they call themselves that -- yes, it's a joke) who are still happy in love, sailing (I should say RV'ing) towards 50 years, and they seem so young. We have the counter-balance, anti-model in my parents, who divorced after a tempestuous few years together when I was just four years old. Raised by my hard-working, single mother, I never knew what to expect in a marriage, so it has been a continuing pleasant surprise all these years later, after I finally figured out he really wasn't going to leave -- that took six years, before we had our first child in 1995.
Of course, it's not all roses and candle-light. We have our bad moments/days and stupid mistakes. There are times, especially after three kids, when it seems as if we are just living, making a living, getting by day-to-day, and it's sometimes not very exciting; occasional bad days when the best you can do is get to bed early and start over the next day, a new day, fresh. It has only been recently that we learned to appreciate NOW, the present moment, instead of living constantly in the future. If it's a not-so-great Now, we believe in the grand scheme of things, the fairy tale and This Too Shall Pass. There are many, many more good days than bad, especially when you are playing as a team.
I guess I do have a couple of practical tips to offer, after twenty years of happily-ever-after:
- Love each other first.
- Value and protect time together, whatever it takes.
- Grow together, not apart. (Recall the whole NASCAR adventure recently, which I tried to embrace for his sake -- and I've come around to it, too. Something new and exciting we can figure out and enjoy together, even if it means dirt camping in a tent outside of Talladega, Alabama...which brings me to my final point:)
- ADVENTURE!!!
Looking through it all, twenty years of our life together, the theme of our marriage became very obvious. As hubby said, in his book: "Willing to set out on adventure at the drop of a hat is one of your best qualities." I'm only that way because he is, too. As we look back over twenty years, we can identify, and re-live, no less than 20 Great Adventures, some just a week long (trips to Europe, the Caribbean, and cruises), some adventures extend many years (having children, moving across country, starting new companies and business ventures, launching The Rebel Housewife).
For us, it's all about Adventures and the appreciation of Magical Moments; to create a life where there are many of each. It keeps us together, always wondering (in a good way): What's next?
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