10 Ways to Annoy Your Neighbor

Or, Life in Buckhead
by Sherri Caldwell

1. Refuse to conform quietly or submit meekly to The Stepford Wife ideal of womanly perfection in house and home, including swapping impossibly-complicated gourmet recipes, idle gossip, childrearing advice, and home decorating or landscaping suggestions and opinions. Instead of stressing out over that kind of "perfection", Live, Love & Laugh, and throw big, fun parties often. Invite Neighbor to all such events--the more, the merrier, as a general rule--until she becomes so unpleasant that it is not legally wise to have her or her children on your property. Still, always be nice.

2. Politely, but firmly, refuse to cut down a beautiful, very old, very large, LIVE tree because it's large, very high-up branches overhang Neighbor's backyard, dropping leaves into her pool, which was put in three years ago, directly under the tree (which has been there forever), which she now complains presents a life-threatening hazard to her children. (It could just fall over one day when they are out there swimming in the pool.)

3. In response to Neighbor's subtly threatening letter regarding the tree and the "hazard" that it poses (see #2), delivered to you next door by Certified, Registered, Return-Receipt-Requested U.S. Mail, hand-deliver a note (not Registered, etc., etc.), re-stating your position regarding The Tree.

In addition, to address other long-standing concerns and suggestions, include a copy of the property survey, clearly showing the property line and reassuring Neighbor she does not need to worry about plants, trees, fencing, or anything else on your property, except where it directly concerns her property.

Request that Neighbor park her car on or in front of her own property--perhaps in the three-car garage--instead of on the street in front of your front landscaping/mailbox area.

Suggest that perhaps the children, when they play together, should play in the front yards, instead of backyards or houses. [God Forbid, my children should be in her pool or backyard when that tree comes down!][That was a JOKE, which she would never understand or appreciate--I didn't include that in the note.][And for the record: The Tree is ALIVE!]

4. Instead of giving in to pressure, CYA (Cover Your A**) legally by hiring a tree surgeon/certified arborist to assess the condition of the tree and recommend a course of action, including taking it down if necessary. (It was not.) Spend $900 to do the right thing and take down dead branches and revitalize The Tree and three others on the property line (heavy watering, fertilization, soil aeration). (Yes, it's ridiculous, but to take The Tree down would cost upwards of $3000--did I mention this is a big tree?--and pose logistical problems, which would be insanity to cut down a healthy tree because of leaves in the pool.)

5. Enjoy relative peace and quiet for a couple of months. Ignore Neighbor's unpleasant sneers and rudeness, but be nice to husband and kids--it's not their fault she's...the way she is.

6. When Neighbor somehow gets the public school system to change the school bus route on the street so that it stops closer to her house, but then calls to complain and get the bus driver in trouble when driver is nice enough to stop in front of your house to let your children off (instead of having them get off at the Neighbor-designated stop and running up the street in front of the bus home, where there are no sidewalks, and people park on the street)...walk or drive your kids home. They'll be happy not to ride the noisy, crowded, hot afternoon bus--you'll be happy to enjoy that after-school time with the kids and not have to see Neighbor's unpleasant expression and be snubbed every day. Face it: it's just not worth the battle.

7. When your kids' kickballs accidentally go over the back fence (as they will) into Neighbor's backyard, and she refuses to let them go in her yard to retrieve the balls ("Your mother needs to come over here and get the ball."), buy a dozen playground balls (less than $5 each), write your name and house number clearly on each in black, permanent marker, and let them go.

Accept the landscaping service guy's offer to throw all the balls back over the fence once a week when they are mowing the lawns and weed-whacking. Lucky thing she still uses your landscaping service--although it's still kind of creepy how she takes down the names and numbers from the cars parked in your driveway and calls the same service people--it was quite an awkward situation when she was calling to harass the tree surgeon/certified arborist when that whole situation was going down.

As an aside, speculate why Neighbor's husband is often seen out cutting the grass and working in the yard in the evenings and on weekends, when they have a yard service? Perhaps he needs to get out of the house? Can't hear bitching and complaining over power tools? Anyway--

8. Refuse to engage in gossip or back-biting, currying favor in the neighborhood. Let Neighbor knock herself out spreading rumors and lies. Shrug it off with good humor when asked by third parties to confirm or deny--"We don't really get along. It's not worth getting into." Short and simple--and always sweet.

9. Ignore Neighbor, avoid when at all possible, but put on a happy face, be pleasant and nice when it is unavoidable, at school or out and about. Advise your kids to be respectful and nice--but NEVER go in Neighbor's yard (front or back) or house. Let it be a lesson learned: You can't always get along with everyone.

10. (Live and Let) Live, Love, and Laugh--in the end, that's the best you can do.