For The Parents of Middle Schoolers

Did you know?

Your preteen child, entering middle school, is "about to go through the greatest period of physical and emotional growth, after infancy, that humans experience -- years during which no significant part of themselves will go unchanged."
(NOT MUCH JUST CHILLIN', page 5)

It seems like an entirely different ballgame, having a child in middle school. In many ways, it's like that precious Kindergarten year all over again: a new, "bigger" school; even bigger kids; new friends, new schedules and procedures, new worries. But, then again, it's not: He's older and bigger and more independent; he's learning to take responsibility and make his own decisions; he doesn't talk as much, or offer information, news or schoolyard gossip. God help you if you instinctively reach out to touch him, hug him or kiss him in public.

But, take heart, dear parents of middle schoolers, all is not lost!

I wanted to share some very helpful information from NOT MUCH JUST CHILLIN': The hidden lives of middle schoolers by Linda Perlstein, which is a MUST-READ book for any new middle school parent, trust me -- or at least read the Rebel Review.

So, What Do They Want From Us?

"With parents of preadolescents immersed in their own worries -- the rate of children living in two-parent household is declining, for example, and more than three-quarters of children have mothers who work -- it can be tempting to indulge the 'Leave me alone.'

But look close...and you'll see that these budding adolescents, for all their bluster, are still needy children. A better way to think of a preteen's changing relationship with her parents is as a reorganization, not a rejection. Wanting to be independent is not the same as wanting to be left alone. She wants to explore; she also wants a safe harbor. She will admit -- not to her parents, of course -- that hibernating into the bedroom isn't ideal for her either, not all the time. She enjoys helping shape the rules and having responsibilities around the house, especially those that show off her talents -- just not so much that it's a burden. She needs some meaningful independence, and if she gets it at home, she won't seek it in inappropriate places. She wants to talk, but, please, not just about chores. She wants to talk more about her schoolwork, in fact, though not her grades. She likes to hear about her parents' past, and hers. She cares what they think of her; family is by far a middle schooler's greatest source of self-esteem. She wants role models. Their affection means tons to her, and she wouldn't mind cuddling once in a while. (No, not in public.)

It may not look like it, but a middle schooler wants to be told no. If she hears it from an early age, she'll be used to it when the stakes are raised. She wants rules -- which sometimes get her out of situations she isn't comfortable being in anyway...Even if she resists them outwardly, a child with strong connections to adult authority figures becomes stronger herself, more in control. Kids whose parents have distanced themselves are far more susceptible to peer pressure and more likely to misbehave in school." (pg. 100)

"She wants them to listen to her, sympathize with her, say how awful something is that she thinks is awful, not spaz out over it or try to solve it or anything, just say, 'Oh, you poor thing,' and mean it." (pg. 102)

"No longer is pleasing his parents a major factor in the equation of how to spend his time. Just the contrary: For reasons he cannot figure out even while it's happening -- and not like he loves them any less -- Jimmy, like his peers, finds great sport in contradicting his mother and father." (pg. 162)

"What can a parent do, besides keeping quiet sometimes [listening]? Well, that's a start. So is whisking the kid off to a neutral territory [when the argument is with the other parent], especially one as cool as Starbucks. He can acknowledge the pain inherent in her problems without trying to fix them, without overreacting. He can accept that she isn't totally grown up yet, which affects not just her sometimes babyish television choices but her ability to stay sane in the face of the small annoyances that seem so huge. All the while, he can't be insulted about what she doesn't share; he needs to realize that his attempts to help just increase her anxiety, and what may seem like absence of action is doing something after all." (pg. 219)

NOT MUCH JUST CHILLIN' is an extraordinary book. I hope you will read it!

See Rebel Reviews: not much just chillin'